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Do not start singing!

I had a bad introduction to Frozen. If I had just seen it when it first came out like the rest of the world, it would have been fine. But that’s a story for another day.

My Revelation

I suffer from chronic stress, and it has a very negative impact on my life. My hormones are completely out of whack, and my stress levels do not help them get back in order. I can eat 100% clean and nourishing food, eliminate gluten, dairy, sugar, and nightshades (my sensitivity), and things will still be wonky. I can take all the supplements I need to fill the gaps and support good digestion and detox, and I’ll still feel crummy. I can remove all toxic chemicals from my home and make everything from scratch, and I still won’t ovulate. I can force myself to workout and do yoga, and it won’t make me feel any better about my body.

But what if, for just three weeks, I don’t care? What if I sustain myself on bread, pasta, cheese, and ice cream? What if I let myself get to the point where a lentil stew with spinach sounds like the most delicious thing ever, because I just need the nutrients! And yet, what if I don’t care that that is what I’m eating, and just enjoy my food? What if I load up a backpack with 20 pounds of stuff and walk four kilometers with it? Because if I don’t, I don’t get food or a bed. Now repeat that. I don’t always need the backpack, but what if I walked everywhere, all day? Just walked. Climbed hills when necessary, ran when I felt like it, took breaks when I felt like it. And what if I don’t care beyond that, and just enjoy myself and not worry about work or other people?

Well, then maybe I will ovulate for the first time in 7 months.

And what if I play hooky with my husband? What if we are out for a morning jog and realize the weather is beyond perfect, and it would be great to go to the State Fair. What if he takes the day off, and I decide not to worry about writing blog posts and recruiting people for my essential oil business. What if we go and walk around all day, with nowhere to be? What if I decide to ditch my diet? And I just eat whatever I want? I’ll probably feel slightly sick and malnourished by the end of the day.

But maybe I’ll be happy, relaxed, and energized come evening for the first time in weeks.

Let it go

Sometimes I just need time. Sometimes I need to just not care. Do this, do that, get this done. You’re way behind on the blog, you aren’t sharing essential oils enough. The house is a mess and you haven’t done laundry in a week and a half. Your stomach is huge and your face is breaking out and you feel like shit. I know!

NO!

Finding peace is a struggle for me. I have a lot of anxiety regarding food, and when my energy is low I manage to avoid yoga and meditation like the plague. My husband can get me up for a walk, and that usually makes me feel better. But when something is triggered inside of me, I just crash. I don’t want to do anything. I feel guilty and anxious about what needs to be done. I feel depressed that I mentally can’t bring myself to do it.

So I’m trying to let it go. I have work to do, there’s no way around that. But how lucky I am that I can take time off when I need to! I don’t have to write a blog post if the writing is going to be forced, or if the idea of trying to take a decent picture makes me want to curl up under the couch forever. Maybe I can just…be…and let things flow naturally. I need to eat healthy, my body functions better when I do, but I’m working on releasing my food guilt. Maybe if I can learn to listen to my body instead of feeling deprived, I can find what it needs without damaging my mental health.

Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t let the others get to you. As I do research into my health concerns, I tend to get very irritated by the feeling that no one is listening to me. Feeling like I’m the only one with this question or problem. Asking questions, and getting answers that feel like no one even bothered to read what I was asking. They just assumed they knew what I needed, and when I clarified, well I must be mistaken. All I want is resources that fit my query, I don’t care if you think my query is wrong! But does that truly affect me? Yes, it is frustrating that I can’t find the answers I crave. But I don’t have to entertain and answer these people who aren’t helping me. Focus instead on the people that did try.

I want to cry out of frustration for my health and my desire to find answers! Why can’t things be as simple as they seem to be for so many other people – this is clearly causing the issue, now it’s just a matter of doing x, y , and z to fix it.

But it’s okay, you know? I will find an answer. I just need to release the anxiety and the fear, and know than an answer will come in time. Until then, all I can to is eat well, love my husband, and try to enjoy life. Most importantly, let it go.

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